I'm switching things up this week. I'm posting six sentences from a short story I wrote that is currently in its second draft. I look forward to your feedback. Here is an excerpt from "The Haunted Wedding".Many years later, after a little reconnecting with our old friends, my family was invited to the widow’s wedding. Everyone was excited to see her finally get remarried. Even her grown children were happy to see her smile once again.
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I saw the ghost as I was walking to the door of the church. Martin was there. That face was unmistakable -right down to the signature smoke hanging from his lips.
If you would like to read the whole story you can find it here. Happy Sixing!
This is just my opinion, and I'm not an expert, but the first section felt a little wordy and jumbled. I really liked the section section, and am envious of the signature smoke around his lips. Overall, a very nice six.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm looking for places that could use revision. I appreciate the help!
DeleteWow, what a twist between the first and second parts. I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, I do like a little gothic ghost action. I'm going to agree with Jess, Samantha. I know the constraints of working within six sentences doesn't always give the reader the whole picture. The first part of this felt like a bit of an info dump. Not sure of what your word constraints are, but I would consider showing more action, or layering in that information. Could you set the scene up so that they meet their friends outside the church? You could show in the dialogue that they've reconnected and that's how the invite came about. The part where she sees the ghost is excellent! Again, going with only these sentences and not knowing where this scene comes in the story...would you consider starting with that section? There's a LOT of promise here.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the middle of final copy/line edits on a contracted novel and revisions on a novella so I'm under a double deadline. I'm making a note to try to get back to read you posted on your link for the whole story to get a better idea of where you are and where you're going. Can't promise, but I'll try.
Thanks! I'll definitely keep these tips in mind.
DeleteI love a good ghost story. I do like the description you used - right down to the signature smoke hanging from his lips.
ReplyDeleteVery good. I really liked your six!
Michelle
www.michelle-pickett.com
Eerie six. Loved the description of the ghost!
ReplyDeleteOh, I love this, especially the way the ghost is introduced so nonchalantly. More, please!
ReplyDeleteHi Samantha,
ReplyDeleteFirst time visiting your blog. I look forward to learning more about your work. I like the voice over all.
I love ghost stories. Eerie... 'right down to the signature smoke hanging from his lips.' Love that line.
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